It Would Be Better If I Can See You Smile, Even From Distance.

Maybe you're wondering why am I using red as the main color right now? Why? Because it represents myself. I just love red. I love the flaming red sky in the dawn and when the sun sets. I love it when my blood spilled out and poisoned the clear water. I love it when it paints my black eyes, and makes my tears fall onto my cheek. And it was the last color that makes me happy.

Maybe you're wondering about my words. Why am I using English? I usually wrote in Indonesian. But this time it's so much special that I don't wanna spend the pink color. So hear me out.

I know today wasn't gonna be so smooth. I've had the feeling since I woke up in the morning and heard my mom talked about me in the dining room. Saying that I'm so different right now, yeah, I'm so fucking different. So, I'll tell it here.

I was born in a very normal family, though it's so indescribable, so does my life. Being pushed and being the one who always gets the tension since I was a kid, it's not as easy as turning the page. When I saw my dad, I wished that I could have someone who certainly has the same manners like him. He's the first guy I know, and I love him so much. And he raised me as if I'm a boy, he told me everything about life, he taught me something that the girls probably don't know. And I feel so damn proud of him.

My mom is a very normal mom (knowing I've saying that twice), and I'm as tomboy as her. She taught me that everything is gonna be okay if I can just grow up and see the next page after the tears I spent before. Then she's the one who cares to me since I was born, raised me up here and I'm happy cuz of that. And when I see both of my parents, I would say, "Wow, I wish I could have a bound like this."

My sisters also helped me to stand on my feet. With a very lovely older sister, and a cute younger sister, I started to believe that they're the ones I have to take care of. They're my bounds, they're still so close to me right now. As sisters, we have a very unique relationship that can't be described by words. I just feel so glad to be having them in my life.

But there was this person who came into my life and stole my thoughts. A female. A girl in about my age. I was standing in front of the mirror with my tears pouring from my bloodshot eyes. My dad was just hurting me with his words, so I escaped to find a sanctuary. There I stood, stared into my eyes, and wiped the tears away. There was a strange glare inside of me, like there was something that tried to possessed me. I grabbed a hold on myself as I watched my lips moved, whispered to myself, "Why do you have to spend your tears for something you regret?"

At that time I'm not sure it was me who spoke that. But I knew something. My reflection spoke to me. Myself spoke to me. My hand wiped my tears away. My lips showed a smile. I gazed into my eyes deeper, and I can see there was someone inside me, which wasn't me. This person was the one who took my place.

Knowing  this girl's name is Terry, she started to take a part of my life. Every time I felt so down and sad, she came to cheer me up. All I need to do is standing in front of a mirror and stared into my eyes. There she'll appear and just speaks to me. But her words calm me down. She gave me spirits. She was a part of me, she is. But that was before the incident happened.

I became such a lonely kid. Every time I felt so sad, I won't tell it to my friends. I would just lock myself in the room and call Terry. I even believed she'll be with me and protect me from the others. It's just like I'm having a doppelganger, a very strong one. Terry taught me that every problems have a way to be solved. Everyone who hates me are so unimportant to me, so I don't have to care about them. And everyone I care about are so precious to protect, so I'll do my best to keep them with me. Though there will be one day when they leave me all alone with no hope and with no scent of them, so I have to prepare myself. Terry gave me positive reasons to think about. I could continue my life as a normal kid with a strong heart, she once told me that I have something rare inside of me. Something that can't be describe by words of by anything. I trusted her.

But as the weeks passed by, I found a truth behind of her kindness. She was so lonely, just like me. But she's so strong, unlike me. And she wanted me to be hers, forever. She made me believe that I can't trust anyone but her. She made me believe I'm not just a pathetic lonely emo kid who feels pity of my life. She made me close myself from the outer world, stopped me from any reasons I could hang out with my friends. I felt it in the ninth grade, where I understood I finally become a monster. I wasn't myself. The kids hated me, I don't know if they feel it too right now. Do you know how it feels to be hated by all 39 kids in a class? Do you?

So I talked to Terry, begged her to leave. At that moment, I can't cry. I've stopped my tears for her. I wrote on my hands, "I'm not Terry", and read it over and over again. However, Terry refused to leave. She said she understood myself now. And so she wanted to stay for a bit longer inside me. She said she won't hurt me, she said I could be anything I want. So she sleeps inside me, waiting for the time when I would call her again to change my life. However, it never happened. Terry is being buried alive inside of me, for the rest of the time.

But today was so sick! I wish you know how it feels! As I sacrificed myself to someone whom I care about, I never get a payback. This person left me. This person hurts me. This person stabbed my heart. My sacrificial is like giving him a knife and my heart. So he can stab it over and over again just to kill me. Just to make him feel better, then leave me here, dying.

Let's call it as a betrayal, so I'll call this a revenge. I can't. I can't resist that Terry still wants me to avenge what he has done to me. But I can't! Damn you, Terry, quit budging me around!

It's one mess, I already tried to forget it so I did! And the result is quite amusing. Then another problem appears. I just hurt my best friend, Prita. I didn't know my words would hurt her so much. I didn't know! I swear I didn't understand her by looking into her eyes. But I knew there was a feeling of angry that made her ran away and left me behind. Made me stood in confuse, while I had to watch the night caught my laughter. I just wanted to cry all over again. Forgive me, Prita. I don't know why I could be such a selfish monster like this. I don't know. So I'll try to understand you as you're one of the people I care about. =)

Every laughter I shared makes me believe I'm not alone in this world. Every progress I wrote about someone I care about is always in my thought. I just wanna make them smile, make them laugh, I wanna create a joy with them. I wanna see bright sparkling eyes of them. I wanna wipe their sorrows away, change their pathetic-self into a happy-self. I tried to love everybody, though I know they would never love me back. But it's the way I expressed myself. I'm not a monster just like they thought. I'm not a weird creature who haunts their nights. I'm not! I'm not intact to Terry, I'm just me. It's me and it'll always be me.

But life is so complicated, right? I believe I was born to love, not to be loved. So I take it as a payback if the people I cared about left me alone. However, it was hurt at first. But it keeps giving me experience. I tried to be chill, I tried to understand everyone though they won't understand me. So one day I could watch them from far away, saying that I'm so glad to see their smile. Knowing that I finally can create a happiness inside of them. And it makes me better.

This post isn't the first, but it's the way I express my feeling. Knowing there's no one I can trust out there, no one capable to hear me crying here. But I beg you one thing. Say that everything is over, and tell me I'm fine. Would you?

+ReeVelation+

A Short-Insane-Weirdo Trip, Off of Taekwondo Class (mwahahahaha!)

Sebulan sekali ngupdate blog. Gokil. Wakakakakakak.

So, apa kabar blog guee??? Kangen nggak sama mama??

Blog : "Siapa lo?"

Gue : ".... Gue yang punya blog."

Blog : "WHAT?! Najis cuih, pemilik gue kok sarap gini?!"

Gue : "WTF?!" *lempar sendal* "Berani lo ngatain yang udah ngebuat lo di dunia ini?!"

Blog : "Pergi dari gue! Lo bukan pembuat gue!"

Gue : *berlutut, nangis* "Hiks hiks hiks... Teganya dirimu!! Kukutuk kau jadi batu!!"

CTAARR. *bunyi gledek*

Dan itulah asal usul Malin Kundang versi blogspot.com. Nilai moral : jangan durhaka kepada orangtua kalian. Oke, anak2?!?!?!

Anak2 : "Siapa lo?"

Gue : "..." *nangis* "Aku..."

Anak2 : "Mamaa!! Ada orang gila nangis depan rumah!!"

Mama : "Tutup pintunya, nak!! Nanti ketularan gila!!"

BRAK. *pintu ditutup*

Dan itulah balasan terhadap seorang blogger sarap. ckckck. Life is so pathetic, eh?

Ahahahaha, eniwei, Valentine sebentar lagi tiba lho!! Hahahaha. Yang punya pacar pasti udah nggak sabar pengen hang out bareng doi (doi pasangannya, bukan doi angkot). Sedangkan yang masih singel, pasti bakalan nangis bombay gara2 nggak ada pasangannya. Ckckck. Malangnya nasibmu, naak. *nggak ngaca, padahal sendirinya jomblo*

Well, mungkin tips2 ini bisa dicoba : 

1. Beli coklat buat sahabat2 kita. Nggak usah mahal2, Silver Queen ato coklat Ayam Jago juga boleh. hehe.

2. Bawa pas hari Valentine, ato sehari setelah Valentine. Asal jangan sebulan setelah Valentine.

3. Kasih ke sahabat2 lo, sambil ngucapin, "Friendship is sweeter than a chocolate for Valentine Day" terjemahannya, "Persahabatan lebih manis daripada coklat untuk hari Valentine".

4. Kasih senyuman ceria ke sahabat kita.

Well, gue tau kalo Valentine itu nggak boleh dirayain dalam Islam. Yaa, tips2 gue juga sebenernya berusaha menyederhanakan arti Valentine di mata Islam. Jadi... ehem... Maksud gue, Valentine kan biasanya identik sama hari kasih sayang. Hari dimana kita ngasih coklat ke orang yang spesial buat kita, yaitu gebetan. Tapi kalo versi gue, hari kasih sayang itu setiap hari. Tapi kan berhubung bulan ini ada Valentine, kenapa nggak ngasih coklat ke sahabat2 yang selalu nemenin gue setiap hari? Ya kan? Tapi tetep aja gue nggak ngerayain Valentine. Ini ibaratnya kayak nyocokin tanggal yang pas buat ngasih coklat. Soalnya pasti aneh kalo gue tiba2 ngasih coklat di bulan2 lain, kesannya kayak orang kelebihan coklat gituu. wkwk.

Oia, Kamis, 11 Februari 2010 ada event menarik!! Jadi gini, harusnya gue latian Taekwondo jam setengah 4 di skulla. Tapi pagi2nya, gue udah janji sama Dimas mau nemenin dia ke Wijaya Musik buat beli shoulder-rest. FYI, dia lagi belajar main biola. Dan dia butuh shoulder-rest itu. Jadi okee, gue temenin dia. Kebetulan gue juga mau nyari clip gitar and senar. Clip gitar tuh kayak jepitan buat neck gitar, biar nadanya naik setengah tanpa di-stem ulang gitu. So, gue cabut tekon dan parahnya cuma dikasih ijin 30 menit sama Kak Shaka (KEJAAAAM!!).

Sempet nyasar di tengah jalan. Dimas bingung ngasih tau supirnya tentang letak Wijaya Musik. Kata dia sih deket MG, deket Blok M. Okee, tapi bagian manaaa?? Sempet gue rekomendasiin mendingan bikin petanya aja dulu. Tapi ternyata supirnya Dimas punya six sense! Mendadak dia bisa nemuin Wijaya Musik! Awesome!

Begitu parkir, semenara Dimas ngambil ATM, gue masuk ke Wijaya Musik. Wiih... suasananya beda. Rasanya kayak masuk ke dunia lain, beda banget! Gue sempet ngeliat2 etalase-nya, ngeliat2 senar2 yang dijual di sana. Sampe tiba2...

"Selamat sore."

*shock* "Se-se-selamat sore..." *senyum*

Kaget gue. Mendadak gue disapa sama seorang bapak2 tampang ke-Arab2-an, pake kemeja, and tinggi gede. Kayaknya dia yang punya toko, soalnya rapiiii banget. Terus dia nanya, "Ada yang bisa saya bantu?"

Gue jawab aja, "Oh, iya. Saya lagi nyari senar gitar."

Dan seorang cowok di samping dia, pake baju hitam, brewokan, rambutnya rada gondrong, ngambil alih. "Nyari senar ukuran berapa?"

Gue, "Hmm... 0,10."

Dia *ngambil kunci buat buka konter senar2nya* "Kalo boleh tau alirannya apa yaa?"

Gue, "Uhmm... Metal."

Dia, "Wow." *ngebuka konter, ngeluarin senar merk SG* "Yang ini kayaknya cocok buat kamu. Ini dipake juga sama gitarisnya Sepultura. Made in Brazil."

Jadi yaa gue beli aja tuh senar. Rada bingung juga sih, soalnya biasanya gue pake senar D'Addario ato Dunlop. Tapi baru kali ini gue pake senar SG. Waah, mudah2an Versaint nggak ngambek senarnya gue ganti. mwahahahaha!!

Terus, gue mau nyari clip, tapi ternyata nggak ada. Jadi gue ganti pake pick. "Ukuran 2,0 ada??" gue tanya. Ternyata nggak ada! Nihiiil nihiiiiil... Ya udah, gue beli senarnya aja deeh.

Not bad laah, harganya 44rbu *pingsan* *disiram air* *bangun lagi*

Eia, si mas2 tadi nanya gue suka band apa. Gue jawab aja Avenged Sevenfold. Ternyata dia juga suka! Malah dia bilang kalo pas A7X ke Indonesia tahun lalu, dia dapet makan gratis bareng A7X plus dapet merchandise-nya juga! XDDDD awesome!!! Gila banget, gue kegirangan! Terus dia cerita kalo dia punya band, namanya AAARGHHH. Alirannya Deathcore. Great, gue nemu satu band hard lagi niih. Hoho. Daaan, dia juga ngasih gue pick gitar!! Yaay!! Girang? Ya iyalah! Dapet pick gratis, jelas aja gue seneng! wakawaka. Dan gue juga kenalan sama dia (awalnya gue panggil dia, "Bapak". tapi dia minta gue buat manggil dia, "Kak". Berasa tua yaa?), namanya Jameel Achmad Kler, a.k.a J.AC.K. Wheew!!

Kelar bayar senar, belum lagi jantung gue berhenti deg2an, ada yang ngagetin di belakang.

"Gimana? Udah selesai beli senarnya?"

DAS! Gue kaget! Begitu nengok, rupanya Pak Ketu lagi nyengir.

"Huwwaaah!! Dimaaaas!! Huff... Bilang napa kalo lo ada di belakang gue. Huff... Kaget tau..."

Huff... Gue kira dia masih ngambil ATM, soalnya seinget gue pas gue mau bayar senar gue sempet nengok ke belakang and gue nggak ngeliat dia. Tau2 muncul aja. Wiih, datang tak dijemput, pulang tak diantar. Jelangkung ada saingannya. wakakakakak. (AMPUN PAK KETU!! AMPUUUUN!!)

So, Dimas udah dapet shoulder-rest-nya. Tapi dia bilang bentuknya nggak sama kayak yang dikasih tau guru biolanya (Kak Ion ato siapaaa gitu gue lupa). Dan hebatnya lagi, sebelum kita cabut dari Wijaya Musik, rupanya Jameel mendemonstrasikan kemampuannya bergitar! Awesome gila! Sumpah gue sampe nggak tahan pengen meledak aja saking girangnya! (beneran deeh. gue kalo udah ngeliat gitar pasti gemeteran, rasanya pengen main gitu. tapi begitu udah megang, gue langsung speechless). A short appearance, a free pick, and gue juga dikasih nomor telpon dia plus facebook-nya. Cool! Waah, gue bisa nanya sama dia niih kalo nyari2 efek! Ahahahahaha.

Cabut dari Wijaya, gue nemenin Dimas ke MG (sampingnya Wijaya Musik). Pertama kali masuk, respon otak gue adalah, "Wtf? Ini bukannya toko olahraga ya?" tapi ternyata tempat musik ada di...

"Lantai 3, mas." gitu kata penjaganya.

Dan respon selanjutnya adalah gue cengo ngeliatin papan informasi : 

LANTAI 1 : OLAHRAGA

LANTAI 2 : KURSUS MUSIK

LANTAI 3 : MUSIK AKUSTIK

LANTAI 4 : MUSIK ELEKTRIK

Dan lebih cengo lagi begitu tau ada lift di tempat itu.

Gue : "Wiih, gue kira nggak ada liftnya."

Dimas : "Gue kira tadi kita harusnya naik tangga."

Gue : "Lagian aneh juga yaa. Dari luar keliatannya kecil, ternyata di dalemnya ada lift."

Dimas : "Yaa, kecil dari luar tapi besar di dalam."

LANTAI 3 : MUSIK AKUSTIK

Tau apa yang dicari2 sama Dimas di lantai 3?? Ternyata buat ngebandingin shoulder-rest yang dia beli sama shoulder-rest di MG. Hasilnya? Ternyata sama! Sama2 berlekuk maksud gueee. Yang bikin miris adalah...

Dimas : "Harganya berapa, mbak? 99 ribu ya?"

Mbak : "Inii... 192 ribu" (ato berapaaa gitu gue lupa, tapi di atas 99 ribu)

Dimas : "Oh, ya. Makasih ya, mbak."

Gue : *bisik2* "Emang di Wijaya lo beli berapa?"

Dimas : "99 ribu. =P"

Waah, terbukti bahwa Wijaya lebih murah!

LANTAI 1 : OLAHRAGA

Balik lagi ke lantai 1, Dimas nyempetin diri buat liat2 raket tenis. Hoho, FYI, Pak Ketu itu multi talenta lhoo. Jadi pemain tenis bisa, jadi violinist ayo, jadi kamus berjalan bisa, jadi ketua kelas bisa, jadi jin juga bisa! (NB : Dimas bisa ngilang gitu aja kalo orang2 lagi pada lengah. Udah kayak jin deh. wakakakak) So, dia ngeliat2 raket tenis.

Dimas : "Hmm... 285 gram... Ini yang sering gue pake." *ngayun2in raket*

Gue : "..." *speechless* "Nggak heran lo punya otot, Dim. Raketnya aja segede gitu." (segede alat buat gebuk kasur itu lho)

Dimas : "Ahahaha. Ini masih ringan kali."

Dan lanjut ngeliat2 kacamata renang.

Dimas : *ngobrol sama mas2 penjaga konter*

Gue : "Hmm... Nggak ada Speedo yaa??"

Mas : "Wah, nggak ada tuh, mbak."

Dimas : "Kalo yang ini, yang optical ini apa?"

Mas : "Oh, itu kacamata renang minus."

Baik gue maupun Dimas langsung membelalak kaget (lebay). "MINUS?!?!"

Dimas : "Wiih! Keren dong! Biar nggak burem nih!"

Gue : "Ahahaha! Iya! Jadi kalo lo pake kacamata ini, semua orang bakalan ngeliatin lo terus bilang 'eh, itu siapa sih? keren banget.' 'apanya yang keren?' 'kacamatanya'."

Dimas : "Gila lo, masa gue ke sekolah pake kacamata renang sih?"

Gue : *ngakak sampe puas*

Lanjut ke bola tenis satuan yang dijual 6500-an satunya.

Dimas : *ngambil bola tenis* "Hmm... Ini bola tenis satuan ya mas?"

Ett daah, Dim. Jelas2 ada tulisannya.

Mas : "Iya, mas." (kok sama2 manggil 'mas' dah??)

Dimas : *ngeremes2 bola tenis* "Merknya apa?"

Mas : "Waduh, itu nggak ada merk-nya, mas. Nggak terlalu laku di sini, jadi dijual satuan."

Dimas : *neken bola tenis ke jari2 tangan kanannya sampe bunyi KRETEK*

Gue : *cengo + speechless*

Dan setelah gila2an singkat itu, gue ngejar 74. After saying Thanks ke Dimas and supirnya, gue ngibrit ngejar 74. Masih sempet2nya ol tengah jalan buat nge-add Jameel. Terus begitu sampe di fly over Kebayoran, gue ngibrit ke skulla. Alasannya? Gue udah cabut sejam dari latian Taekwondo!! Nggak kebayang gimana jadinya gue kalo telat segitu lamanya!!

Sampe skulla, abis shalat and ganti ke dobok, gue langsung hormat ke Kak Safrudin. Hukumannya? Lari keliling lapangan 10x, push-up 10x, sit-up + back-up 20x + pemanasan sendiri. Okee, gue lakuin. Huff... Alhamdulillah yang ngajar sabuk kuning Kak Safru (Hehehehe. Iya neeeh, Geng aBC udah pada sabuk kuning semua!! mwahahahahaha!!!), jadi nggak kena amukan Kak Shaka. Gue kira gue bakalan dibunuh sama dia (dengan cara disuruh berdiri tengah lapangan dan ditendangin sama senior2nya. MAMPUS!), tapi ternyata nggak. Cuma rembukan buat bikin atraksi pas Kramat Camp ajaaa. Hehehehe.

Dan sampe rumah, gue tepar tidak berdaya. Huwwwaaaaaaahhh.....

XOXO,

+ReeVelation+

Eia, nulis XOXO gara2 pengaruh Gerard Way. wakakakak.