Maybe you're wondering why am I using red as the main color right now? Why? Because it represents myself. I just love red. I love the flaming red sky in the dawn and when the sun sets. I love it when my blood spilled out and poisoned the clear water. I love it when it paints my black eyes, and makes my tears fall onto my cheek. And it was the last color that makes me happy.
Maybe you're wondering about my words. Why am I using English? I usually wrote in Indonesian. But this time it's so much special that I don't wanna spend the pink color. So hear me out.
I know today wasn't gonna be so smooth. I've had the feeling since I woke up in the morning and heard my mom talked about me in the dining room. Saying that I'm so different right now, yeah, I'm so fucking different. So, I'll tell it here.
I was born in a very normal family, though it's so indescribable, so does my life. Being pushed and being the one who always gets the tension since I was a kid, it's not as easy as turning the page. When I saw my dad, I wished that I could have someone who certainly has the same manners like him. He's the first guy I know, and I love him so much. And he raised me as if I'm a boy, he told me everything about life, he taught me something that the girls probably don't know. And I feel so damn proud of him.
My mom is a very normal mom (knowing I've saying that twice), and I'm as tomboy as her. She taught me that everything is gonna be okay if I can just grow up and see the next page after the tears I spent before. Then she's the one who cares to me since I was born, raised me up here and I'm happy cuz of that. And when I see both of my parents, I would say, "Wow, I wish I could have a bound like this."
My sisters also helped me to stand on my feet. With a very lovely older sister, and a cute younger sister, I started to believe that they're the ones I have to take care of. They're my bounds, they're still so close to me right now. As sisters, we have a very unique relationship that can't be described by words. I just feel so glad to be having them in my life.
But there was this person who came into my life and stole my thoughts. A female. A girl in about my age. I was standing in front of the mirror with my tears pouring from my bloodshot eyes. My dad was just hurting me with his words, so I escaped to find a sanctuary. There I stood, stared into my eyes, and wiped the tears away. There was a strange glare inside of me, like there was something that tried to possessed me. I grabbed a hold on myself as I watched my lips moved, whispered to myself, "Why do you have to spend your tears for something you regret?"
At that time I'm not sure it was me who spoke that. But I knew something. My reflection spoke to me. Myself spoke to me. My hand wiped my tears away. My lips showed a smile. I gazed into my eyes deeper, and I can see there was someone inside me, which wasn't me. This person was the one who took my place.
Knowing this girl's name is Terry, she started to take a part of my life. Every time I felt so down and sad, she came to cheer me up. All I need to do is standing in front of a mirror and stared into my eyes. There she'll appear and just speaks to me. But her words calm me down. She gave me spirits. She was a part of me, she is. But that was before the incident happened.
I became such a lonely kid. Every time I felt so sad, I won't tell it to my friends. I would just lock myself in the room and call Terry. I even believed she'll be with me and protect me from the others. It's just like I'm having a doppelganger, a very strong one. Terry taught me that every problems have a way to be solved. Everyone who hates me are so unimportant to me, so I don't have to care about them. And everyone I care about are so precious to protect, so I'll do my best to keep them with me. Though there will be one day when they leave me all alone with no hope and with no scent of them, so I have to prepare myself. Terry gave me positive reasons to think about. I could continue my life as a normal kid with a strong heart, she once told me that I have something rare inside of me. Something that can't be describe by words of by anything. I trusted her.
But as the weeks passed by, I found a truth behind of her kindness. She was so lonely, just like me. But she's so strong, unlike me. And she wanted me to be hers, forever. She made me believe that I can't trust anyone but her. She made me believe I'm not just a pathetic lonely emo kid who feels pity of my life. She made me close myself from the outer world, stopped me from any reasons I could hang out with my friends. I felt it in the ninth grade, where I understood I finally become a monster. I wasn't myself. The kids hated me, I don't know if they feel it too right now. Do you know how it feels to be hated by all 39 kids in a class? Do you?
So I talked to Terry, begged her to leave. At that moment, I can't cry. I've stopped my tears for her. I wrote on my hands, "I'm not Terry", and read it over and over again. However, Terry refused to leave. She said she understood myself now. And so she wanted to stay for a bit longer inside me. She said she won't hurt me, she said I could be anything I want. So she sleeps inside me, waiting for the time when I would call her again to change my life. However, it never happened. Terry is being buried alive inside of me, for the rest of the time.
But today was so sick! I wish you know how it feels! As I sacrificed myself to someone whom I care about, I never get a payback. This person left me. This person hurts me. This person stabbed my heart. My sacrificial is like giving him a knife and my heart. So he can stab it over and over again just to kill me. Just to make him feel better, then leave me here, dying.
Let's call it as a betrayal, so I'll call this a revenge. I can't. I can't resist that Terry still wants me to avenge what he has done to me. But I can't! Damn you, Terry, quit budging me around!
It's one mess, I already tried to forget it so I did! And the result is quite amusing. Then another problem appears. I just hurt my best friend, Prita. I didn't know my words would hurt her so much. I didn't know! I swear I didn't understand her by looking into her eyes. But I knew there was a feeling of angry that made her ran away and left me behind. Made me stood in confuse, while I had to watch the night caught my laughter. I just wanted to cry all over again. Forgive me, Prita. I don't know why I could be such a selfish monster like this. I don't know. So I'll try to understand you as you're one of the people I care about. =)
Every laughter I shared makes me believe I'm not alone in this world. Every progress I wrote about someone I care about is always in my thought. I just wanna make them smile, make them laugh, I wanna create a joy with them. I wanna see bright sparkling eyes of them. I wanna wipe their sorrows away, change their pathetic-self into a happy-self. I tried to love everybody, though I know they would never love me back. But it's the way I expressed myself. I'm not a monster just like they thought. I'm not a weird creature who haunts their nights. I'm not! I'm not intact to Terry, I'm just me. It's me and it'll always be me.
But life is so complicated, right? I believe I was born to love, not to be loved. So I take it as a payback if the people I cared about left me alone. However, it was hurt at first. But it keeps giving me experience. I tried to be chill, I tried to understand everyone though they won't understand me. So one day I could watch them from far away, saying that I'm so glad to see their smile. Knowing that I finally can create a happiness inside of them. And it makes me better.
This post isn't the first, but it's the way I express my feeling. Knowing there's no one I can trust out there, no one capable to hear me crying here. But I beg you one thing. Say that everything is over, and tell me I'm fine. Would you?
+ReeVelation+
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